How You Cross the Street is Ruining Government

The way you cross the street is directly related to how laws and statutes evolve here in America.

Let me explain.

When we are kids, we are taught how to cross the street.

  1. Look both ways.
  2. Walk.
  3. Get to the other side.

Some people stick to this. It’s simple. But sometimes it’s too simple. Some people just don’t get it. They think they can cross the street anywhere because they are following the three rules of street crossing. They run across the street or they just meander because, hey, who’s going to hit a human being? So, we adjust the “rules” a little.

  1. If you can, use a crosswalk.
  2. Make sure to look both ways multiple times to make sure no car is coming your way.
  3. Walk, don’t run.
  4. Get to the other side of the street quickly.

Seems fine now. Use a crosswalk. Specifically don’t run, but also get across the street quickly. For most people, it’s those last two that cause an issue. They can’t wrap their heads around how you can do something quickly, but not fast. It’s actually very simple, just walk across the road and get across the road so you’re no longer standing in the road. So, we adjust them again.

  1. We know you probably can’t, because there aren’t usually any at the places where people usually want to cross the street, but use a cross walk.
  2. Make sure to look both ways. By “look both ways” we really mean in all directions a car could possibly come from, including driveways, side streets, and parking spots.
  3. Please don’t step out in front of cars, even if you’re in a crosswalk.
  4. You’ll want to run, but that increases your chances of tripping. So, please walk.
  5. Don’t run, but don’t lallygag. Get to the other side of the street before cars show up.
  6. Oh, and make sure everyone else got across the street as well.

This seems pretty explicit. Use a cross walk. It is best. Also, look for cars everywhere. And for Pete’s sake, don’t step out in front of a car, even if you’re in a crosswalk. Sometimes people will forget that cars drive on other surfaces than streets. They drive on parking lots, driveways, side streets, service roads, and sometimes even grass. You need to watch out for them, where ever they come from. Yes: you, little flesh bubble; car, big smoosh machine. But you’re a much easier target to smoosh if you tripped over a rock and are now sitting in the middle of the street. And hey, why not make sure everyone get across together? But as explicit as it sounds, it’s just not quite explicit enough. So, we have to make sure everyone understands everything there is to know about street crossing, how to do it, where to do it, when to do it… We need to make sure everyone is able to look to us for guidance for each and every unique circumstance. So we get…

  1. Always use a crosswalk, unless a crosswalk is not available in your vicinity. Jaywalking, or crossing the street between two crosswalks, is a misdemeanor crime and is punishable by law. Please follow the following rules for using a crosswalk as well as for crossing a roadway without a crosswalk.
  2. If using a crosswalk with electronic crossing signals, press the appropriate button on the street light pole. Wait for the signal to say* it is safe to cross. Please follow the following rules for using a crosswalk as well as for crossing a roadway without a crosswalk. (*some crosswalk signals will play a recording of someone saying “walk”, but many do not. Don’t worry. No robot apocalypse yet. The signals aren’t actually talking to you.)
  3. Make sure to check the street for any moving vehicles including cars, trucks, service vehicles, first responder vehicles, motorcycles, bicycles, those annoying autonomous vehicles we don’t know how to regulate yet, and really anything that moves! Look in front of you, behind you, to your left, to your right, and repeat two or three times no, just repeat it three times. No choices for you. Also, watch out for cars who are parked that suddenly decide their phone is boring and want to pull out onto the street.
  4. DO NOT RUN! I know it sounds counter-intuitive, but trust me and just don’t run. You could slip on the smallest pebble and BLAM! you’re suddenly sitting in the middle of the road like that frog from that video game, except you don’t get to start over when you insert another quarter. If you only listen to one of these rules please listen to this one. Take your time to carefully make it across the street.
  5. And for the love of all that is sweet and sour sauce in this world, get your rear end to the other side of the street. Don’t stop and take pictures. Don’t stop and look at butterfree. Stay off your phone, look up, pick a destination on the other side of the road, and get there. Just don’t run.
  6. If you are using a crosswalk with an electronic signal, it may tell you how much time you have.* This is an indication of approximately how much time you have to cross the road until it is no longer safe to be on the road way, inside of the crosswalk. When the signal says it is safe to cross, please do so in an orderly fashion. BECAUSE I JUST TOLD YOU what would happen if you run! (*reminder, we- I mean, crosswalk signals can’t actually talk. It’s all in your head. Relax, man.)
  7. Make sure everyone got across. Some people are scared, and some people are just slow. Get everyone across the road to the safety that is the sidewalk on the other side. Earn good karma or something.
  8. Once on the other side of the road, that’s where you need to stay. The street is not a life-sized board game. You get to the other side, walk down the street to the next crosswalk, and then you can cross again.
  9. There is no 9 because, you know, 7 8 9… XD
  10. Follow these rules and people will be happy with you. DON’T follow these rules and people will be very mean. They might even yell at you. You could end up in one of those online videos where you’re walking across the road and almost get hit by the guy who has one of those dash cams and now finally has footage good enough to convince his buddies it was a sound investment.

And that’s what’s wrong with government… well, that’s what’s wrong with our law making part of the government. No one has any common sense. We have to be TOLD to look out for two-ton death boxes on wheels when crossing the ONE place they are sure to be whizzing past at “incoming death” miles per hour. No common sense leads to lists and lists and pages and pages of rules and statutes and addendums that go into every unique circumstance and outcome because half of people can’t be bothered with thinking for themselves, and the other half have to cover their hind quarters because people can’t think for themselves.

-Diggs out

P.S. – or something like that.

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